bad week

Last week was one of the worst weeks in my life. I was getting so frustrated with my boss that I went to hr who told me I was antisocial and abrasive. Ouch. Boss then told me the same thing and my ability to do my job was questioned. Double ouch.  This was weds. I then drove 7 hours to see my best friend who was over from the us after teaching there for a year and was here quickly before heading to Japan to teach there. I showed up to find her there with the group if girls I had been avoiding for the past year. More ouch. Was tired and hurt and didn't want to play nice but I tried. One of the girls was okay with me but the rest refused to talk to me. I was si exhausted and planned on staying with my bestie at her hotel but it took ages for her to leave.  I then slept fruitfully before having a heart to heart with her in which she said I looked old and horrible. Then she spent most time on the phone chatting to people she couldnt see whilst she was here.  We also visited a shop where one of the girls I had seen last night worked......which was fine until I ended up face to face with my former boyfriend who'd decided it was okay to hit me and just be a douche. Paul hates him and I just m scared of him. I said hello and walked outside and waited for my bestie who apologized and said she forgot he worked there. Basically this was how the rest of the day went - visit former friend, feel hurt that she couldn't give me half a day to hang out. I walked into the house after the 7 hour drive Thursday night and just cried to Paul.  I went to work to face my boss the next day in which I managed to not be fired and then went to wedding Saturday hoping it wouldnt be like the last time where I ended up drunk in the psych ward. It went okay as I stayed sober and went home early.   I am so emotionally and physically exhausted that I had to sleep all day Sunday just to pretend to work Monday. Just wish I had good friends......as atm I have just lost another one. 

adulthood

I have looked after myself since I was 13 as neither of my parents acted like adults. So I learnt how to be an adult by doing the opposite of what they did. I survived but apparently this is not being an adult. Living with Paul has shown me how I am still a teenager struggling to be an adult. For example, I have become socially awkward - I don't really know how to have a personal conversation with people - I communicate as a professional fine though as it does not require any personal commitment on either side. Paul gave me these suggestions to make my communication better -  You don't need to have an opinion on everything. And even if you do, you don't always need to voice it. When a group of people talk, its balanced. Otherwise it's a lecture. Not a conversation.  Listen more, talk less. Use your inside voice & stop shouting at people 2 feet away. And never interrupt anyone again unless they're being extremely offensive. We actually had a huge fight because I got so upset by him calling me immature and socially retarded. But he is right. Which after crying and moping all of last night I finally admitted to him and myself. So now trying to act like a real