Emotionally Broken

I had an emotional breakdown at work today. I don't understand what happened, one minute I was getting ready to hit the gym when I realized I forgot my gym pants then I was crying my eyes out. In all honesty the more I keep trying to pick myself up and keep going the more of these breakdowns I have. The urge to hurt myself is very very strong right now. I don't know if I am exactly suicidal....I am thinking about it though. I haven't been to a psychologist in months and I don't have any support. I don't know if I am going to crack or not. I am scared I will just wake up and not be able to get out of bed again.

Middle Ground

I am an extreme person and am not good at middle ground. Even Paul admits this to me. I guess it is making my life difficult at the moment because I don't have layers of getting to know me. I am either super closed or I spill my guts. Its making friends hard, I don't know how I am supposed to start. Its a problem in other parts of my life too. It used to be a problem drinking, I either got hammered or stayed sober. It took a long time to learn how to drink correctly. I didn't drink for 6 months and then slowly started again. Can I use this technique to make friends? I doubt it.

Bad Day

Today I woke up and couldn't get out of bed. I managed to get up and eat breakfast on the couch and watch PopAsia on SBS. I then fell asleep until 1pm and groggily decided I should at least clean the house. I had a shower, vacuumed and mopped the floor and put away my washing. Then I curled up in bed for a while and read. I felt down as I haven't been talking to Paul all weekend as he as at work training so he hasn't been able to use his phone. It has been hard as I am already lonely and suffering from post-travel blues. I was kept busy yesterday with work but today I had nothing pressing to do other than housework. I let myself have today as I know I get to talk to Paul tonight and I will feel better and be able to pick myself up. I hope so anyway.

Travel Diaries Part 3

After many legs of travelling I am home. I am alone and missing Paul like crazy. It is hard to go from 3 weeks being constantly surrounded by people to nothing. I am trying to keep busy with writing and work and trying to lose the extra 7kgs that has crept up on my ass over the past 3 months.

Paul and I had a fancy dinner in Brisbane to celebrate 1 year of being together and we had too much to drink and I got sad about leaving him and being fat and ugly and useless and how he gets grouchy with me when I don't do things right. We had an arguement but in the morning he said he just wanted me to listen to all the good things he says because he thinks I am beautiful and wonderful. He also expects more of me so which is why he gets frustrated when I screw up simple things due to not stopping and thinking through my actions.

He says I lack discipline which comes from absence parents. I will say I have more than my sister and mum as I managed to get through 4 years of university despite numerous breakdowns. I guess I have slacked off since leaving uni as I am able to get away with it. My goal in the next few months is to get more motivated and do more with my time. I need to write more as writing is my passion but as I write for a magazine (a very small community magazine in central qld). I sometimes get lazy and don't write anything else (which I should).

So now my travels are over and I have had three weeks of self discovery and reflection I can attempt to live the life I want to live. Instead of merely surviving.