Friday 30 March 2012

Travel Diary Part 2

I am typing this in Ho Chi Min/Saigon Airport. I am heading to Cambodia for a week now. I am sad to leave my amazing tour mates. I also haven't killed Paul yet and we have officially been together for a year as of Thursday. The two of us had this amazing moment this morning where we realised that this was real - we honestly truly want to be together forever. I actually cried as it was very surreal. Until this moment I hadn't believed it but now I do. I want to be with him for the rest of my life, I want to share everything with him - my successes, my failures, my challenges, my happy moments, my horrible depressed moments.

I have also had realisations about myself - when you're touring you really discover who you are. I have discovered I am the girl who likes to party but not all the time, I am the girl who loves in depth discussions about culture, politics and other random stuff but needs alone time. I love my job, I love to write, love to eat and love to explore.

I also found out I should smile more as it lights up my face and makes me more approachable. It feels natural again to smile, for a long time it felt forced but Paul makes me smile for no reason. He lights me up when I am having a depressive mood.

I am proud. I am free. I will keep rereading this when I am down. I will remember the freedom and love I have right now. I can have it at home. I know I can.

Thursday 22 March 2012

Travel Diary Part 1

Paul and I have been in Vietnam for almost a week. We have just arrived in Hue after being in Hanoi for a few days, it is very dirty but beautiful at the same time. I am being super insecure about my weight - we're eating a lot and I was already trying to lose weight before we came. Its hard because I want to relax and have fun but all I can think about is how fat I look in the photos. I am having major body issues right now and its driving me insane as I just want to be happy as I am. But acceptance is hard after 20 years of telling yourself (and others telling you) you're fat and ugly. Paul assures me (as do randoms in clubs) that I am not but I still feel like the dorky fat kid (I was in school, I blossomed at 17).

It is really getting me down that my body is making me feel upset and ruining my holiday. Luckily for me I have Paul to tell me to stop being stupid. He is my voice of reason as I lack an internal one (he also tells me not to climb/eat/burn certain things, somewhat useful but sometimes a buzz kill). Maybe I will starve myself when I get home.

Look out for Travel Diary Part 2 next week.

Tuesday 13 March 2012

blame it on the alcohol

I once drank to mask my depression, so much so that I barely remember my first two years of university. But then I realised I was drinking when I was raped and physically assaulted, so I became frightened of drinking in public. Since that realisation I have been quite drunk only a few times and everytime I feel guilty. I guess I think if I am going to turn back into that depressed drunk I don't like and I know Paul dislikes. I am still trying to get used to the new me because I haven't discovered what I like about me, just what I dislike.

Wednesday 7 March 2012

Sick of Moving House

I am sick of moving house all the time. I just want to have a place I call home.

Tuesday 6 March 2012

My Parents

I have a very tense relationship with my parents. They were both quite young and unprepared when I was born but I always thought they did their best. They broke up when I was 13 and started telling me a lot of intimate details about their marriage which I wasn't really ready to cope with. It made me suddenly see my parents as people with flaws, a lot of flaws.

Dad ended up moving far away and starting his life again. He has a whole new family with his new partner. They have a house together. He acts like a Dad to her children but often doesn't to me. I guess it is because when I needed him most to be a father he let me down. He decided when I was eighteen to try and be a father but he'd turned into this emotionally abusive person who was incapable of sympathy. He changed so much that I didn't want him. It took me years to get over this pain and accept that he is not the father I want or need in my life. I only speak to him if I feel like it.

Both my parents are rather selfish people now. Originally it was just my mum, she was always very selfish and despite all her talk of putting us (my sister and I) first she never did. When she broke up from my dad she blew her settlement money on the gym and other crazy stuff. She quit her job and to this day has never resumed part time or full time work. She basically lived off child support and centrelink which was hard as we went without power and food a lot. I managed to survive by demanding my youth allowance at 16 and getting a part time job. Mum was never a real parent to me but I have only just begun to see this because of Paul's parents. His parents are so wonderful and to see them with him and his younger brother makes me realise how fucked up my family is/was.

Its going to take a while to accept my mum isn't the person I want or need her to be. It  took so long to do with my dad. I always thought it was me but the more I observe real families the more I realise I was right - my parents weren't doing their job properly and I called them out on it.

Neither parent really accepts their responsibility of their flaws - it is my fault or someone elses fault. Never their own. They lack the ability to reflect on themselves and I have to accept I will never get an apology from either of them for screwing me over so badly that I grew into a very depressed and troubled person.

Ideally I'd cut them out of my life completely but it is something very very difficult to do emotionally and I don't have the support to be able to do it. I need some major counselling to help me overcome that hurdle. I'd be forever guilty if I tried it now.