Tuesday 29 May 2012

The life I want vs the life I have

I have a new job, in government where Paul lives. In my hometown, the place where eighteen years of bad memories linger. But then there are good ones too. This weekend I hung out with Paul, with his friends and just be normal which hasn't happened for a very very long time. I feel like I am one step closer to the life I have always wanted. A life with friends, a enjoyable job, success, financial security, love, happiness and normality. But part of me thinks its all Paul's doing, that I am incapable of it myself and if Paul tires of me it will all fall apart again. I am taking a huge risk, starting a life with Paul when I have seen everything just fuck up so many times. I am scared. But I want this life, I want him and the risk is worth the reward. Right?

Thursday 17 May 2012

Self Help Fail

I could barely afford to have therapy when I lived in the city and now I live hours away from the closest mental health facilities I can't get help. So I decided to try a little self help with a book. I got a book about anxiety and read from post traumatic stress (which I suffer from thanks to be raped) and I read through the entire chapter. Then got hysterical and had an anxiety attack. Yes I am aware of the irony of having an anxiety attack whilst reading a book about anxiety. It was just all too much. Reading about myself, my symptoms and all the horrid things I've suffered in such a clinical fashion it upset me so much. They used an example of a girl who'd had abusive parents and then got raped as a result of trying to escape them and trying to get acceptance that she craved from her parents. yeah that stings.


Days later after this I was chatting to Paul on the phone about high school and he cut me with these words "Yes I've heard things like eleven times already, I know you use it as a measure to make sure you are better than your dad." It hurt more than anything. Paul is honest which I love but I didn't need to hear that. All I could think is stop repeating yourself you stupid girl and stop being so open because you'll get slammed in the chest again. I cried hysterically for an hour before going to sleep. Paul wants me to trust him but he is like me in that he doesn't realise that some truths I am not ready for. I kept telling myself whilst I was crying in bed that I would never tell him anything again and that I couldn't trust him with certain things.....in all honesty I am unsure if I can trust him completely right now. His brutal honesty is constantly cutting me and making me cry. Which is actually what a good therapist does......except a therapist knows when to back off. Paul hasn't got that down pat really well. I have to beg him to stop talking and attacking me and sometimes he doesn't which is making me wary of trusting him which sucks as what sort of relationship can we have if I am afraid of him all the time?

Friday 11 May 2012

The Past, The Present and the Future

I have been trying to escape my past for a while now, I thought moving to a new town where I knew no one, deleting my old facebook and just ignoring everyone would work. It doesn't. My past follows me everywhere, the only way to escape it would be to cut ties with everyone. Including Paul. Which I can't do. I love him too much. So how do I face my past? Last weekend I saw the only other person I have cared about almost as much as Paul, he was my gay best friend who thought it was okay to beat me. I was visiting Paul (which happens to be my old hometown so its full of all the horrid people from my past) and we saw each other. We met each others eyes and then I looked away and kept walking. I felt strange afternoons, not sad, not angry just surprised. This person who was once such a huge part of my life is nothing but a bad memory. I can't help but thinking of the Gotye song, just someone I used to know. Its how I am going to deal with living in my home town again, I just smile and say I used to know you. That's it. There are many good people who I love who also happen to live there. I just need to keep remembering that. Not all the horrid things of my past. I need to step away from the memories. They can't hurt me anymore.

Thursday 3 May 2012

Depression and Understanding

I hate being told to just get up and be happy. I have a few wonderful friends who unforently do not understand that it isn't that simple. Right now I can't get out of bed, not because I am lazy but because I am paralyzed with fear about the day. I can't do it again today. I can't get up and go into that empty office and try to work. I can't face another day isolated and alone in this place. I am honestly thinking about death a lot, maybe as a way to escape this place I have backed myself into. This 'place' isn't exactly the town I am living in, its more the state of mind I am in. I hate being here, thinking these thoughts, being terrified of going to work or living that I just want to stay in bed all day. I hate being here, its not my fault I ended up here. I'd been down the past few weeks but kept powering on like everyone told me to. Except now I am burnt out, afraid and just want to curl up in a ball and die.