Merry Christmas You're Dumped

My last post was pretty much a summary of the past two months, Paul and I growing distant, me working then just going numb eating, drinking and watching TV. Crawling deeper and deeper into a hole. I thought we just needed a holiday - but then Paul was still distant and then boxing day morning he comes upstairs as I had just woken up and he cried that he couldn't do it anymore that I wasn't making him happy and he didn't want me to resent him for keeping me here. We'd adopted a puppy just as our troubles began now I can't look at the dog without bawling my eyes out. I am now moving to a little flat and saving my money whilst applying for overseas jobs. I have a friend in China who can get me an english teaching gig but it takes time and money to organise. My heart is so broken - I honestly thought it was just a rough patch and that Paul and I would get married, have children, live in an old country house and grow old together. All of those dreams have gone. I wanted Paul's beautiful blonde children, I wanted to be his wife and to be part of his family. I am grieving for the loss of that future. We are still on speaking terms, we love each other so much that we both just want the other one to be happy and right now for either of us to be happy that means we're separating. Suddenly my new years plans have gone from spending an evening with Paul to spending it at a party without him by my side. All I keep thinking is about everything I will miss, like how he laughs, how we talk about everything, how he loves the dog as much as I do. I am grieving the life I thought we'd have together but I am excited for the new life I am going to forge on my own, I'd be lying if I said I was completely happy here. Honestly Paul was all that was holding me here and now he has set me free I can do all the great things I planned on doing and one day settle down with someone. Part of me wishes that would be Paul and that we're going to be one of those couples that seperates then realizes we were destined for each other all along but I refuse to think about that dream - because I know Paul will move on quickly - he is just the type of person that does that. He'd only been single a few months from an 18 month relationship before he swept me off my feet. I cry a lot. I want to be held by him, to let him comfort me but we promised we wouldn't. We're being strong for each other. I honestly believe I will always know Paul, miss him but in the end he is going to turn out just like his parents, his grandparents and the rest of his family - a staple of this country town who will be very successful here but will never leave. I just wish I could have been part of that future with him but I know in my heart I would be betraying my dreams and he knows that too. One day I will return (still have friends and family here) and we will look at each other and know we did the right thing. The thing I am going to miss the most is just being part of his wonderful life - he was the person who dragged me to social occasions even though I didn't want to go but he made it okay. Now I have to do it all on my own again.

Everything is Spinning, faster and faster, everything is bluring, running together

A million things are happening and I can’t make it stop. I am fighting to stay alive and be good enough for everyone but I am failing. I just want to disappear but I can’t because I have to be who everyone else seems to think I am. I thought I was through pretending but I am doing it again because apparently who I am is not acceptable. My boss literally told me this in a scathing performance review which attacked me personally as well as professional. I am still at the job just working hard, saving money and swearing to God I am going to work for myself as there are too many old psychopaths in office jobs. Paul keeps attacking me, telling me to shut up when we’re out, telling me I am not an adult because I leave dishes overnight and decide I want to eat cereal for dinner, for forgetting to put meat out to defrost etc. I am faking it so much, I hate it – I was actually happy to just put my head down and work but no life is telling me to be social – hell even my shrink is telling me to be social. Maybe I don’t like people because they’re horrible and fake – I can’t feel comfortable around anyone anymore. It sucks.

Why I hate Facebook

I hate facebook. I really do. It breeds narcissism, violates privacy and makes me jealous of high school friends I never cared to actually speak to again. I use facebook to keep in contact with overseas friends and I use it for work. It can be a useful tool. But mostly I hate it.

bad week

Last week was one of the worst weeks in my life. I was getting so frustrated with my boss that I went to hr who told me I was antisocial and abrasive. Ouch. Boss then told me the same thing and my ability to do my job was questioned. Double ouch.  This was weds. I then drove 7 hours to see my best friend who was over from the us after teaching there for a year and was here quickly before heading to Japan to teach there. I showed up to find her there with the group if girls I had been avoiding for the past year. More ouch. Was tired and hurt and didn't want to play nice but I tried. One of the girls was okay with me but the rest refused to talk to me. I was si exhausted and planned on staying with my bestie at her hotel but it took ages for her to leave.  I then slept fruitfully before having a heart to heart with her in which she said I looked old and horrible. Then she spent most time on the phone chatting to people she couldnt see whilst she was here.  We also visited a shop where one of the girls I had seen last night worked......which was fine until I ended up face to face with my former boyfriend who'd decided it was okay to hit me and just be a douche. Paul hates him and I just m scared of him. I said hello and walked outside and waited for my bestie who apologized and said she forgot he worked there. Basically this was how the rest of the day went - visit former friend, feel hurt that she couldn't give me half a day to hang out. I walked into the house after the 7 hour drive Thursday night and just cried to Paul.  I went to work to face my boss the next day in which I managed to not be fired and then went to wedding Saturday hoping it wouldnt be like the last time where I ended up drunk in the psych ward. It went okay as I stayed sober and went home early.   I am so emotionally and physically exhausted that I had to sleep all day Sunday just to pretend to work Monday. Just wish I had good friends......as atm I have just lost another one. 

adulthood

I have looked after myself since I was 13 as neither of my parents acted like adults. So I learnt how to be an adult by doing the opposite of what they did. I survived but apparently this is not being an adult. Living with Paul has shown me how I am still a teenager struggling to be an adult. For example, I have become socially awkward - I don't really know how to have a personal conversation with people - I communicate as a professional fine though as it does not require any personal commitment on either side. Paul gave me these suggestions to make my communication better -  You don't need to have an opinion on everything. And even if you do, you don't always need to voice it. When a group of people talk, its balanced. Otherwise it's a lecture. Not a conversation.  Listen more, talk less. Use your inside voice & stop shouting at people 2 feet away. And never interrupt anyone again unless they're being extremely offensive. We actually had a huge fight because I got so upset by him calling me immature and socially retarded. But he is right. Which after crying and moping all of last night I finally admitted to him and myself. So now trying to act like a real

Frustration

I went to the doctor a month ago to get a referral to a psychologist and they told me his receptionist would. call me in a week to make an appointment. I waited two weeks then called them to see what was going on. They se was boooked until October. So I asked if I could get a referall to another psychologist and they said they only do it for their in-house guy. I have finally made the huge step to get help and I get slapped by this. Honestly I am okay to wait but the last time this happened to me I was 18 and suicidal. I made the appointment 4 weeks in advance like they told.me then I showed up to be told that the appointment had been double booked and I couldn't see the psychologist for another six weeks. I made another appointment, walked out to the chemist, bought sleeping pills and went home and tried to kill myself. Being told you need to wait is horrible especially if you have tried every other avenue of help. It's rough. If I had succeeded that night in killing myself would the doctors surgery be responsible for refusing me help? It's hard as hospitals only provide emergency care. If you're not suicidal your help is limited as you're poor, depressed and have to wait. It's frustrating.

Dickheads

I have had a rather bad week. Basically I've been doing two people's jobs at work but this week my supervisor started and I was excited to push off a load of work. Except when I met him I realised he was a douche bag who had 'forty years of experience in the industry (ie. he worked in the SAME place for forty years as his own boss) so he's full of himself and basically walked into the place and told me to 'fuck off I'm the boss'. After four days of passive agressive struggle he called me into his office and dressed me down badly which as someone with very little self confidence in anything else but my job was horrible. I walked out, sped home crying hysterically almost running my car off the road twice and going home and crying it out. Paul came home and told me that I should look on the positive that: a) I basically am now being paid very well to do my Masters Degree as I am not allowed to work independently and he micromanages everything b) that he will probably fail at this job as he isn't as experienced as he thinks and I can sit back and laugh c) I can disconnect from my job and leave it at work where it belongs and concentrate on getting better. C is hard for me as I've been 'entrenched' in a small town for the past year where my whole life has been my job which was exhausting but a great way to distract myself from being depressed. Basically I am going to swallow my pride and let him fail at his job - or maybe he will thrive in it and I will just get a two years experience on my CV in PR, all my debt paid off, a Masters Degree and hopefully finish my manuscript. I will not let this douche get me down. He is just one of many people in my life who I've met who underestimate or belittle me - funnily enough they're always middle aged men who have peaked in life - I get the feeling I intimate them because I'm a attractive, independent, intelligent woman (at least in the work I am). I will rise above the bad people who think they're better because the truth is they're not.

More mistakes

Everything I have done this week has been wrong. I am such a fuckup. Paul says I need to breath and do one thing at a time. But my mind keeps racing ahead so am using mediation to try and calm me. I am officially slated for therapy again, heading to the doctor to get assessed then off to the shrink to try and fix me. I have been to a councilor a few times in my small town but she was crap. My last shrink I saw for two years and he was really good. But it takes a long time to trust and open up for me and at 175 dollars a pop it is a rather expensive endeavour. But Paul is going to help with some of the money if I am short and need to get to the shink. I know right now I need it to be fairly intensive like twice a month and hopefully as I move on I will only have to go once a month then once every few months. The therapy thing is hard, finding someone good is hard, opening up to them is even harder and then trying to heal is the hardest. The healing process generally is pull up deeply repressed issues, make me have a breakdown then a realization then start to heal - I hate this process as I have gone through it so many times yet I still stand here crazy as hell. I wish there was a magic pill to fix me.

I just fucked up everything

I am in hiding right now but I want to write this down so I have a record in case I do completely fall apart. Last time I wrote I said I was struggling with adjusting to living with Paul and trying to restart my life again. On Saturday I went to a wedding, it was beautiful with lots of friends and family surrounding the bride. The ceremony hit me so badly because I will NEVER get that. My family are horrible, I ditched my lousy friends and now I am alone. So in between the ceremony and the reception I drank a cask of vodka and cranberry to make the pain go away. It didn't work well. I got hammered, don't remember the night at all but from what Paul told me I got so upset that he took me back to the motel where I decided I wanted to die and he called the ambulance. I spent the night in lockdown at the psych ward. Most of it I don't remember but I woke up, still drunk, talked to a shrink then sat and slept and chatted with a lady who could hear God (she honestly was lovely, God was telling her to help people so I don't think that's crazy but what do I know). They were going to release me at about 5 in the morning except I had no phone numbers and no money on me. Paul had handed them my meds and my ID and went back to the wedding. I don't blame him as the paramedics told him to. So now I am in hiding, wanting to run away as I have screwed up my life. People have worked out I am a screw up and a horrible person so I want to leave. Paul won't let me, he wants to get me help. His friends want to help me. I don't really believe it. I keep trying to reinvent myself as a normal person but I can't do it. Maybe I am fucked up permanently and no amount of therapy, drugs or love can save me.

Socially awkward

I am at a party in the corner playing with my phone as I know only a few people. I am also pretty down atm, I have spent the last two days in bed, unable to face the world. I have come down from yhe excitment if moving and am feeling iaolated abd alone. Paul already has a life here and he hasnt given me a lot of support. He is busy with all his crsp and is never home.....but I am. I unpacked the whole house, do the washing and clean the huge house he insisted we needed. I just wish he could stop for a moment and realise I need him to,give something up. I refuse to live like this.

Transformation

Apologies if this comes out looking strange. I am writing on my phone. I have been at my new job for a week and it is going great. I feel very happy right now. So I am trying to chnage myself in terms of bad habits with Paul's support. Silly habits of my mind thay drag myself down. I have already joined two community social groups and have lined up a gym and got into a routine. I honestly feel amazing but I am scared it wont last. But them I thought over how I have changed over the years and how I am constantly changing. I feel like the past year has been good being in the middlw of nowhere. It gave me time to think, reflect and slowly discover myself. Now I am ready for the next step in my transformation into the person I can be - a confident, happy young woman.

Adjustment

Adjustment disorder is a group of symptoms, such as stress, feeling sad or hopeless, and physical symptoms that can occur after you go through a stressful life event.
The symptoms occur because you are having a hard time coping, and the reaction is stronger or greater than what would be expected for the type of event that occurred.

A major depressive episode is the cluster of symptoms of major depressive disorder, characterized by severe, highly persistent depression, and a loss of interest or pleasure in everyday activities, which is often manifested by lack of appetite, chronic fatigue, and sleep disturbances (somnipathy). The individual may think about suicide, and indeed an increased risk of actual suicide is present.


-Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders

At 17 years old when I uprooted my entire life to start again in Brisbane I was happy......at least at first then I had my first major depressive episode since I was 16. I had hoped the black dog had been chased away for good but I was wrong. Almost 12 months ago I uprooted my life again during an extremely bad depressive episode where my meds stopped working and they put me on tranquilizer type meds for a bit which just made me into a zombie. I then moved here where I knew no one and started the first professional job of my career. I struggled and hated myself, hated here and then I finally settled in......to be uprooted once again to go live with Paul back in my hometown. I am scared. Scared I am going to have another major depressive episode brought on my adjustment disorder (diagnosed at 18).

I think being scared of depression is almost as bad as having it. Once you've danced with the black dog you are afraid of it coming back. Its horrible. But in two days time I will pack up my life once again to try and start a life with Paul.

The life I want vs the life I have

I have a new job, in government where Paul lives. In my hometown, the place where eighteen years of bad memories linger. But then there are good ones too. This weekend I hung out with Paul, with his friends and just be normal which hasn't happened for a very very long time. I feel like I am one step closer to the life I have always wanted. A life with friends, a enjoyable job, success, financial security, love, happiness and normality. But part of me thinks its all Paul's doing, that I am incapable of it myself and if Paul tires of me it will all fall apart again. I am taking a huge risk, starting a life with Paul when I have seen everything just fuck up so many times. I am scared. But I want this life, I want him and the risk is worth the reward. Right?

Self Help Fail

I could barely afford to have therapy when I lived in the city and now I live hours away from the closest mental health facilities I can't get help. So I decided to try a little self help with a book. I got a book about anxiety and read from post traumatic stress (which I suffer from thanks to be raped) and I read through the entire chapter. Then got hysterical and had an anxiety attack. Yes I am aware of the irony of having an anxiety attack whilst reading a book about anxiety. It was just all too much. Reading about myself, my symptoms and all the horrid things I've suffered in such a clinical fashion it upset me so much. They used an example of a girl who'd had abusive parents and then got raped as a result of trying to escape them and trying to get acceptance that she craved from her parents. yeah that stings.


Days later after this I was chatting to Paul on the phone about high school and he cut me with these words "Yes I've heard things like eleven times already, I know you use it as a measure to make sure you are better than your dad." It hurt more than anything. Paul is honest which I love but I didn't need to hear that. All I could think is stop repeating yourself you stupid girl and stop being so open because you'll get slammed in the chest again. I cried hysterically for an hour before going to sleep. Paul wants me to trust him but he is like me in that he doesn't realise that some truths I am not ready for. I kept telling myself whilst I was crying in bed that I would never tell him anything again and that I couldn't trust him with certain things.....in all honesty I am unsure if I can trust him completely right now. His brutal honesty is constantly cutting me and making me cry. Which is actually what a good therapist does......except a therapist knows when to back off. Paul hasn't got that down pat really well. I have to beg him to stop talking and attacking me and sometimes he doesn't which is making me wary of trusting him which sucks as what sort of relationship can we have if I am afraid of him all the time?

The Past, The Present and the Future

I have been trying to escape my past for a while now, I thought moving to a new town where I knew no one, deleting my old facebook and just ignoring everyone would work. It doesn't. My past follows me everywhere, the only way to escape it would be to cut ties with everyone. Including Paul. Which I can't do. I love him too much. So how do I face my past? Last weekend I saw the only other person I have cared about almost as much as Paul, he was my gay best friend who thought it was okay to beat me. I was visiting Paul (which happens to be my old hometown so its full of all the horrid people from my past) and we saw each other. We met each others eyes and then I looked away and kept walking. I felt strange afternoons, not sad, not angry just surprised. This person who was once such a huge part of my life is nothing but a bad memory. I can't help but thinking of the Gotye song, just someone I used to know. Its how I am going to deal with living in my home town again, I just smile and say I used to know you. That's it. There are many good people who I love who also happen to live there. I just need to keep remembering that. Not all the horrid things of my past. I need to step away from the memories. They can't hurt me anymore.

Depression and Understanding

I hate being told to just get up and be happy. I have a few wonderful friends who unforently do not understand that it isn't that simple. Right now I can't get out of bed, not because I am lazy but because I am paralyzed with fear about the day. I can't do it again today. I can't get up and go into that empty office and try to work. I can't face another day isolated and alone in this place. I am honestly thinking about death a lot, maybe as a way to escape this place I have backed myself into. This 'place' isn't exactly the town I am living in, its more the state of mind I am in. I hate being here, thinking these thoughts, being terrified of going to work or living that I just want to stay in bed all day. I hate being here, its not my fault I ended up here. I'd been down the past few weeks but kept powering on like everyone told me to. Except now I am burnt out, afraid and just want to curl up in a ball and die.

Emotionally Broken

I had an emotional breakdown at work today. I don't understand what happened, one minute I was getting ready to hit the gym when I realized I forgot my gym pants then I was crying my eyes out. In all honesty the more I keep trying to pick myself up and keep going the more of these breakdowns I have. The urge to hurt myself is very very strong right now. I don't know if I am exactly suicidal....I am thinking about it though. I haven't been to a psychologist in months and I don't have any support. I don't know if I am going to crack or not. I am scared I will just wake up and not be able to get out of bed again.

Middle Ground

I am an extreme person and am not good at middle ground. Even Paul admits this to me. I guess it is making my life difficult at the moment because I don't have layers of getting to know me. I am either super closed or I spill my guts. Its making friends hard, I don't know how I am supposed to start. Its a problem in other parts of my life too. It used to be a problem drinking, I either got hammered or stayed sober. It took a long time to learn how to drink correctly. I didn't drink for 6 months and then slowly started again. Can I use this technique to make friends? I doubt it.

Bad Day

Today I woke up and couldn't get out of bed. I managed to get up and eat breakfast on the couch and watch PopAsia on SBS. I then fell asleep until 1pm and groggily decided I should at least clean the house. I had a shower, vacuumed and mopped the floor and put away my washing. Then I curled up in bed for a while and read. I felt down as I haven't been talking to Paul all weekend as he as at work training so he hasn't been able to use his phone. It has been hard as I am already lonely and suffering from post-travel blues. I was kept busy yesterday with work but today I had nothing pressing to do other than housework. I let myself have today as I know I get to talk to Paul tonight and I will feel better and be able to pick myself up. I hope so anyway.

Travel Diaries Part 3

After many legs of travelling I am home. I am alone and missing Paul like crazy. It is hard to go from 3 weeks being constantly surrounded by people to nothing. I am trying to keep busy with writing and work and trying to lose the extra 7kgs that has crept up on my ass over the past 3 months.

Paul and I had a fancy dinner in Brisbane to celebrate 1 year of being together and we had too much to drink and I got sad about leaving him and being fat and ugly and useless and how he gets grouchy with me when I don't do things right. We had an arguement but in the morning he said he just wanted me to listen to all the good things he says because he thinks I am beautiful and wonderful. He also expects more of me so which is why he gets frustrated when I screw up simple things due to not stopping and thinking through my actions.

He says I lack discipline which comes from absence parents. I will say I have more than my sister and mum as I managed to get through 4 years of university despite numerous breakdowns. I guess I have slacked off since leaving uni as I am able to get away with it. My goal in the next few months is to get more motivated and do more with my time. I need to write more as writing is my passion but as I write for a magazine (a very small community magazine in central qld). I sometimes get lazy and don't write anything else (which I should).

So now my travels are over and I have had three weeks of self discovery and reflection I can attempt to live the life I want to live. Instead of merely surviving.

Travel Diary Part 2

I am typing this in Ho Chi Min/Saigon Airport. I am heading to Cambodia for a week now. I am sad to leave my amazing tour mates. I also haven't killed Paul yet and we have officially been together for a year as of Thursday. The two of us had this amazing moment this morning where we realised that this was real - we honestly truly want to be together forever. I actually cried as it was very surreal. Until this moment I hadn't believed it but now I do. I want to be with him for the rest of my life, I want to share everything with him - my successes, my failures, my challenges, my happy moments, my horrible depressed moments.

I have also had realisations about myself - when you're touring you really discover who you are. I have discovered I am the girl who likes to party but not all the time, I am the girl who loves in depth discussions about culture, politics and other random stuff but needs alone time. I love my job, I love to write, love to eat and love to explore.

I also found out I should smile more as it lights up my face and makes me more approachable. It feels natural again to smile, for a long time it felt forced but Paul makes me smile for no reason. He lights me up when I am having a depressive mood.

I am proud. I am free. I will keep rereading this when I am down. I will remember the freedom and love I have right now. I can have it at home. I know I can.

Travel Diary Part 1

Paul and I have been in Vietnam for almost a week. We have just arrived in Hue after being in Hanoi for a few days, it is very dirty but beautiful at the same time. I am being super insecure about my weight - we're eating a lot and I was already trying to lose weight before we came. Its hard because I want to relax and have fun but all I can think about is how fat I look in the photos. I am having major body issues right now and its driving me insane as I just want to be happy as I am. But acceptance is hard after 20 years of telling yourself (and others telling you) you're fat and ugly. Paul assures me (as do randoms in clubs) that I am not but I still feel like the dorky fat kid (I was in school, I blossomed at 17).

It is really getting me down that my body is making me feel upset and ruining my holiday. Luckily for me I have Paul to tell me to stop being stupid. He is my voice of reason as I lack an internal one (he also tells me not to climb/eat/burn certain things, somewhat useful but sometimes a buzz kill). Maybe I will starve myself when I get home.

Look out for Travel Diary Part 2 next week.

blame it on the alcohol

I once drank to mask my depression, so much so that I barely remember my first two years of university. But then I realised I was drinking when I was raped and physically assaulted, so I became frightened of drinking in public. Since that realisation I have been quite drunk only a few times and everytime I feel guilty. I guess I think if I am going to turn back into that depressed drunk I don't like and I know Paul dislikes. I am still trying to get used to the new me because I haven't discovered what I like about me, just what I dislike.

Sick of Moving House

I am sick of moving house all the time. I just want to have a place I call home.

My Parents

I have a very tense relationship with my parents. They were both quite young and unprepared when I was born but I always thought they did their best. They broke up when I was 13 and started telling me a lot of intimate details about their marriage which I wasn't really ready to cope with. It made me suddenly see my parents as people with flaws, a lot of flaws.

Dad ended up moving far away and starting his life again. He has a whole new family with his new partner. They have a house together. He acts like a Dad to her children but often doesn't to me. I guess it is because when I needed him most to be a father he let me down. He decided when I was eighteen to try and be a father but he'd turned into this emotionally abusive person who was incapable of sympathy. He changed so much that I didn't want him. It took me years to get over this pain and accept that he is not the father I want or need in my life. I only speak to him if I feel like it.

Both my parents are rather selfish people now. Originally it was just my mum, she was always very selfish and despite all her talk of putting us (my sister and I) first she never did. When she broke up from my dad she blew her settlement money on the gym and other crazy stuff. She quit her job and to this day has never resumed part time or full time work. She basically lived off child support and centrelink which was hard as we went without power and food a lot. I managed to survive by demanding my youth allowance at 16 and getting a part time job. Mum was never a real parent to me but I have only just begun to see this because of Paul's parents. His parents are so wonderful and to see them with him and his younger brother makes me realise how fucked up my family is/was.

Its going to take a while to accept my mum isn't the person I want or need her to be. It  took so long to do with my dad. I always thought it was me but the more I observe real families the more I realise I was right - my parents weren't doing their job properly and I called them out on it.

Neither parent really accepts their responsibility of their flaws - it is my fault or someone elses fault. Never their own. They lack the ability to reflect on themselves and I have to accept I will never get an apology from either of them for screwing me over so badly that I grew into a very depressed and troubled person.

Ideally I'd cut them out of my life completely but it is something very very difficult to do emotionally and I don't have the support to be able to do it. I need some major counselling to help me overcome that hurdle. I'd be forever guilty if I tried it now.

Want help

I have seen many counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists and psychics (okay only one psychic) to look for help in depression. It honestly isn't like going to a doctor for a prescription. Having a good support network of health professionals can really move along treatment.

The first counselor I had was the free one at the university. He was nice but he was for short term problems and was so booked I could hardly ever see him more than once a month. For someone with bad depression they need constant treatment.

So then I went to a psychiatrist who asked me strange questioned and creeped me out.

I then found a great clinical psychologist who I saw for almost three years. Sometimes I'd go for months without seeing him because he pushed me so hard emotionally. The funny thing is he is the person who has most help me with depression and moving forward.

But then I moved from the city I was living in and moved to a very small town with limited options. I currently see a counselor who's very nice but doesn't push me the way I need to improve. So for now my treatment is on hold in terms of therapy. Paul does psychoanalyse me too but he's not a professional. He does push me by showing how patterns of behaviour result in most of my problems.

I do want to get professional help again as I am a long way from being able to cope with day to day life. Sometimes I get anxious and can't move. Sometimes I am sad over stupid things. I am getting better but the urge to hurt myself sometimes is so strong having someone to explain it to who is detached from the situation would be helpful.

If I could go back in time to talk to my 17 year old self

I keep having dreams about going back in time to being in high school (FYI: 2003 - 2007) and panicking because I need Paul but he doesn't know who I am (despite living in the same town our whole lives we never crossed paths until last year when my best friend introduced him/thrust him in my general direction).

Then I wake up thinking about if I spoke to my seventeen old self would I warn her of all the horrid things to come? At that point in time I had years of negligent parents but that emotional abuse wouldn't surface until I left home and started drinking heavily. Would I warn myself that my best male friend would end up punching me while I was drunk (more than once)? Would I tell her not to talk to my friend's boyfriend ever as he will rape me? Would I tell her not to live with that guy from work because he and his sister are on drugs?

Or would I tell her about Paul? And how I did achieve everything she thinks she is going to do? Travel, get a degree, be a writer etc.

I don't know if I would try to change my life as all these things made me the person I am today.

Or would I just tell her to get help for depression ASAP instead of drinking?

The Simple Things That Make Me Smile

Trying to get through each day is very hard right now - so I am making a list of all the small things that make my day:

The Simple Things That Make Me Smile:

• Smoked Salmon
• Wind blowing my hair
• Smell of rain
• Bad 90's pop songs (spice girls especially)
• Having a clean kitchen
• Watermelon
• Wearing no pants
• Waking up in bed with Paul
• Sleeping in
• Smell of fresh bread
• That fresh feeling you get when you've just dried yourself after a shower
• fluffy soft towels
• Soft clean sheets
• Just finishing an intense workout
• Pop Rocks
• Bad Television (gossip girl and teen mom are my favourites)
• Iced Tea
• Freshly painted toenails
• Singing loudly in the car
• The beach - sound of waves, sand under my feet

 My ultimate dream is to live close enough to the beach to be able to hear the waves, smell the salt and walk on the sand everyday. For now I just enjoy sitting on my veranda and having the wind blow against me. 

Bad Day

I woke up this morning and couldn't get out of bed. I was so upset and depressed and just wanted to sleep all day. So I did. Paul is calling me telling me to snap out of it and that I just need to be positive so I got the shits with him and told him to stop. Telling a depressed person to 'just think positive' is almost the same as telling a person who's homeless to 'get a job'. It ignores all the underlying issues and simplifies the issue. Wednesday I was just having period blues. Today I seriously had depression. I woke up and cried and couldn't get up. It sucked but it happens. Paul is panicking a bit but as I keep telling him sometimes it happens. This week its happening because a. I am hormonal and b. I am in the middle of a huge upheaval and its messing with me. I really hope tomorrow is better.

I am the worst comfort eater

I am feeling pretty low today and feeling very tired. However I don't comfort eat like a normal person, like today for example I was craving sweet food but instead of getting chocolate like a normal person I ate milo without milk and museli. Yeah I know.

When I am craving salty chips I eat baked potatoes or olives. yep you read that right. One day I was so stressed I went and sat in bed and ate a jar of olives.

I am feeling low because I feel bloated and my skin is breaking out. However Paul is confusing my body problems and low mood for a depressive episode. However I know the difference. When I am having an episode I don't eat, I have no motivation to do anything and I cry at the sight of myself in the mirror. Today I was just tired and feeling run down and also feeling hormonal. Yet I went to work and have started packing for moving. I am getting there, everyone has off days and this is normal. The feeling is different. I used to panic everytime I had a negative feeling but my doctor explained it was normal.

Good Things

Finally saw Paul after three weeks and he has told me to use my blog to write the goods things that happen at least once a week.

In the past week the following good things have happened:

• Got to see Paul
• Got to go to head office for training with all expenses paid for food, fuel and accomodation 
• Got my Vietnamese Visa
• Have my new house all organised

In the next month I have to look forward to:

•  Moving House
• Going to my best friends 21st Birthday as Snow White
• Going to Vietnam with Paul

 

Can you die from isolation?

I have not seen Paul in almost a month or any other friends for that matter. I cant trust anyone where I live right now so I feel extremely isolated. I honestly feel constantly paranoid & on guard. It is ehausting and painful. Can I die from this?

Beyond Caring

After being so overwhelmed by life for the past few weeks I have reached the point of not caring. I am sick of eating, it requires too much effort. i hate the sight of food, I don't want to go to work - what is the damn point? All i want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep. no i am not sleep deprived, I get my 8 hours a night. i just find sleep a refuge from the world. it turns my overactive mind off for a bit. i need to get out of here. i need to find something to be passionate about again.

Trust

Have you ever felt you couldn't trust anyone? That you're surrounded by judgmental people? I currently and working and living in a situation where that is happening. I am carrying the secret of being a former suicide risk and having days when I am ready to harm myself. But I can't tell anyone. I have no one I can trust. I don't want to face the judgment of these people. I have my partner Paul but he lives 2 hours away which is making life hard.

My trust in people has been shattered by a succession of terrible friends. Friends I forgave because I was afraid of being alone. But then exactly a year ago I realized that these people weren't worth it and rather than be alone I tried to kill myself. This was my third serious attempt. I ended up in psych lockdown and I faked being regretful to be released. I ended up getting stuck with the very people I tried to escape as they were worried about my safety.

I kept working and studying with the quiet determination to kill myself when people least expected it. Then three great things happened: I met my wonderful partner Paul, I graduated from a four year arts degree majoring in communication and I got a job in my field in a rural town.

I thought it was what I needed, closer to Paul, getting away from the city and all the bad people. Except now instead of just feeling like I am alone now I am physically alone.

I guess I expected people in a small town to be friendly and that I would make friends quickly. Except everyone knows each other, is related or are suspicious of new people. I am already on the outside and because of trust issues I have already accepted I will never fit in.

I sometimes wonder if I will able to trust and have close good friends again. Right now I don't think it is possible.

Introduction

My name is Abigail Whitely and I have had depression for almost ten years of my life - which is almost half of my life. This blog was inspired by my beautiful partner who asked me to write something positive each day however I am gonna take it a step further. I wanna show how much of a struggle it is to try and 'recover' from depression. I went completely untreated until the age of 18 when I started going on antidepressants. However I needed more than that and since then I have been going through major changes and life has gotten easier but there is no quick fix.

I don't express my feelings well. I am hiding behind a pseudonym but everything is true. This is my feelings. This is completely real. Every single thought.